


Too Much Information

by GeniaTheParadox



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Friendship, M/M, Smut, but only mentioned, eggsy likes to over-share, long suffering best friend roxy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 17:55:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3738112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeniaTheParadox/pseuds/GeniaTheParadox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a spy, Eggsy didn't seem to be very good at keeping secrets. At least not while talking to Roxy. And his favourite subject to discuss in excruciating detail always seemed to be Harry Hart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Much Information

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this random headcanon on Tumblr of BFF Roxy and Eggsy having sleepovers, and Eggsy talking so much about Harry that Roxy can no longer look Harry in the eye. And since I have been the friend of an over-sharer many many times, I just had to write something. Because I totally feel Roxy's pain. 
> 
> There's no actual smut, just Eggsy talking about his and Harry's sex life. Thought I'd rate this M just to be on the safe side. 
> 
> Oh yeah, and if anyone has any smutty little Hartwin prompts for me please let me know! I really want to write some more cute and sexy things for my new otp but my brain is not cooperating.

Roxy loved having Eggsy as a best friend, she really did. He was sweet and kind and fun to be around, and she could always be herself when she was with him instead of just Lancelot. They always made the effort to hang out on the rare occasion that they had some time off from their respective Kingsman duties at the same time, going out for a drink or having cosy nights in watching movies and eating pizza, and Roxy was glad of it. Really, she was. But there was just one thing getting her down.

For a spy, Eggsy didn't seem to be very good at keeping secrets. At least not while talking to Roxy. And his favourite subject to discuss in excruciating detail always seemed to be Harry Hart. It wasn’t so bad at first, before Eggsy and Harry had become an official couple. Although a pining and lovesick Eggsy Unwin did get a tad grating after a while.

“This is killin’ me, Rox. I thought once Harry came outta his coma and was back and being Arthur, everything would just _happen_ , y’get me? But we just can’t seem to get our shit together. It’s like we’re dancin’ ‘round each other. And it’s always so fuckin’ awkward when we’re alone together as well, like there’s so much not bein’ said... but how am I meant to even say it? What am I gonna say to him? _Oh, by the way, Harry, I’m totally fuckin’ in love with you and can barely even look at you without gettin’ a semi. Just thought I should let you know._ Ugh, as if I could say that! I get a bit stupid when he looks at me anyway, it’s a fuckin’ miracle I ain’t made a tit outta myself in front of him yet. He’s just so _gorgeous_ , Rox! It’s fuckin’ ridiculous how hot he is, I can’t stand it. It’s like tryna look directly at the sun or something. Who am I kiddin’ though, yeah? He probably don’t even fancy me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, Eggsy...”

“’Course it is. Why would he want me? I mean, I’m _way_ too young for him, ain’t I? He’d old enough to be my Dad, for fuck sake. He’s even older than my Mum! That’s probably how he sees me and all, just a kid for him to mentor. Ugh, I’m like some dumb schoolboy with a crush on his teacher, innit? Fuck it all, I’m bein’ a right idiot. Pass us another beer, Roxy? I ain’t nearly drunk enough for this bullshit.”

The wallowing wasn’t too difficult for Roxy to handle. She offered up advice, and when that failed she was always ready with a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream for Eggsy to drown his sorrows in. It was what any best friend would do.

But then Eggsy and Harry finally did get their shit together. Roxy thought things would get better after that, and they would get to talk about something other than Harry Hart for a change during their nights out or their occasional sleepovers. But she was wrong. Very, very wrong. Eggsy talked about Harry even more, the gloomy pining replaced by the kind of cutesy gushing she didn’t even think he was capable of.

“Seriously, Rox, Harry is _adorable!_ Never thought I’d ever use that word to describe him, but he totally is. He’s well romantic, always takin’ me out to dinner at these proper swanky restaurants that wouldn’t have even let me stand in the fuckin’ doorway before Harry came along. And when we’re ‘round his place he loves a cuddle and a cheeky snog, and he wears this well cute apron when he cooks me breakfast, and always remembers to make extra bacon for JB. And the way he smiles at me... _fuck_ , it just makes me melt, y’know? And he kisses like a _dream_ , Rox, like a fuckin’ dream. Like there ain’t no one in the whole world he’d rather kiss than me.”

“Oh, that’s sweet!”

“Yeah, he’s a proper sweetheart. This is gonna sound so creepy, I know, but Harry’s _beautiful_ when he’s asleep. One time I woke up before him and I just couldn’t help but watch him. He looked so... _soft_. All relaxed and that, with his hair all messy. Well fuckin’ cute. I was gonna snap a picture of him to set as my phone background, but then he caught me starin’ and told me to piss off.”

“Okay, just for future reference, Eggsy; taking a picture of Harry while he’s asleep definitely counts as creepy.”

“Yeah, alright, I told you I didn't take the picture! But for real though, Rox, he’s _so cute_. When he texts me it’s all in proper sentences with correct grammar and everything, like he’s writin’ a novel or something. But it’s all so lovely, sayin’ how much he misses me when he’s gotta work late or I’m off on assignment. He’s well affectionate, you’d never guess from lookin’ at him. He still thinks he’s too old for me, bless him, but he’s always sayin’ how much he loves me and it’s just so... _amazing_. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you – he folds his boxers!”

“I’m not sure I needed to know that...”

“But it’s hilarious, Rox! I mean, I know he’s a gentleman and a gentleman takes care of his clothes, yeah? But fuckin’ hell, that’s just... _adorable!_ He’s fuckin’ adorable!”

“Yes, Eggsy, you already said...”

It was rather surprising, if Roxy was being honest. She had never taken him to be the sort of guy to get so sickeningly sweet over someone he was dating, but the way he was going on you’d be forgiven for thinking Eggsy was a fourteen year old with his very first crush. It would have been quite endearing, really. If it hadn’t been so damn relentless... and _repetitive_. Honesty, Eggsy must have told her that Harry Hart was the most adorable man on the face of the Earth at least a thousand times.

Just as Roxy was finally getting used to Eggsy’s persistent chatter about the adorable Harry, suddenly the subject matter became a bit less cute and fluffy and a lot more... _graphic_.

“Ever wondered exactly how a gentleman fucks, Roxy?”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Yeah well, for the record, it’s like a fuckin’ _beast_. I think Harry might’ve ruined me for anyone else in the world, ‘cause _fuck_... he is the best. Best I’ve ever had, and that ain’t even me exaggerating. I mean, if – God forbid – we ever break up, I am fucked ‘cause I ain’t never gonna be able to shag anyone else. He has _destroyed_ me for other people. I dunno what it is. Like are all polite, proper, posh blokes just like, secretly massive kinky fuckers in the sack? Or is it just him? ‘Cause oh my days, Rox, some of the shit we get up to...”

“Please, Eggsy, I am begging not to finish that sentence.”

“But Roxy, he’s a Sex God! And I’ve been straight up _blessed_ and I kinda need to talk about it! Lemme talk about it!”

“Ugh, fine...”

“Thank you! Now where was I?”

“...you were saying that Harry is secretly a massive kinky fucker.”

“Oh yeah! He totally fuckin’ is, it’s incredible. To be honest, I dunno why it even surprised me. Since the first time I ever saw him, he always gave off this vibe of a total Dom, y’know? The kinda bloke you just wanna get down on your knees for. But he ain’t a dick about it like some blokes are. He don’t like, use it as an excuse to knock me around or nothin’. He proper takes care of me afterwards, and he never does _anythin’_ unless I say I’m into it first. Ain’t been a problem so far though. What can I say? The man knows what I like. And, as an added bonus, he’s _huge_.”

“Oh my God...”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. He’s packin’ some serious inches under them tailored trousers, yeah? Swear to God, the first time he ever shagged me I couldn’t sit down for about three days. The smug bastard looked so fuckin’ pleased with himself. And he’s got some crazy stamina and all, man of his age. Christ, when Harry goes all night he goes _all fuckin’ night_. I could barely walk the last time he felt like pullin’ an all-nighter, I swear. There was nothin’ left after he was done with me, just a set of handcuffs and _wet patch_.”

“Wow, Eggsy... that was just an over-share...”

“And the way he talks when we’re goin’ at it, some of the _filth_ he comes out with... fuck me, it’s like poetry. I mean, everything sounds sexy when Harry says it, obviously. But he’s just a fuckin’ _master_ at talkin’ dirty, he always knows just what to say to fuckin’ wreck me. Like yeah, it’s rubbish when we’re apart and that, like when I had to go to Tokyo the other week, but that’s why he’s made a private line for us through the glasses so we can talk and see each other without Merlin listenin’ in. Trust me, Rox, we’ve had _loads_ of fun with that. Especially ‘cause my hotel room had this huge full length mirror.”

“Yes, unfortunately I can imagine.”

“Harry really, really likes to watch me.”

“Yes, I got it.”

“And to be honest, I’m a bit of a show off. Harry says I’m a massive tease, but I just can’t help it. He looks so fuckin’ hot when he’s absolutely gaggin’ for it, like he’s ready to rugby tackle me to the ground or something. The amount of times he’s just lost it and had me right up against a wall, and in his office, and in his cab, and in the tube carriage to HQ – we’ve even shagged in dressin’ room one a couple times.”

“And now I can never go in there again, thank you, Eggsy.”

“What? It ain’t my fault that Harry can’t get enough of this perfect arse.”

“Can we please change the subject? Please?”

Roxy was tempted to use an amnesia dart on herself, because she really wished she could just forget some of the things she unfortunately now knew about Harry Hart. It was the sort of stuff that once you knew, you could never really _unknow_. She was never going to be able to look Harry in the eye again, not without thinking about handcuffs, full length mirrors, dressing room one and the above average size of his... oh God, Eggsy and a lot to answer for. He was a great best friend, really. But he was also a terrible, terrible best friend.  


End file.
